I have been wanting to post entries for a long time but just didn't get down to doing it. My life, ladies and gentlemen, has been going on. Once and if I get down to doing it, I will put up photos which capture those tiny moments in my life. For now, content with words.

For the past few weeks, life has been a roller-coaster ride for me (Final destination 3?). Up and down and up and down. Just yesterday, I was officially declared a female driver who can hog the road and speed down lanes by RTA. Just I week ago, I almost broke up with Christian again. And just 3 weeks ago, I broke up with him for a grand total of 6 hours. To make things clear, with Christian, I don't need to play the break up game like many couples do. The "humph! I want to break up with you coz you didn't call me last night" kind of break up. We are way to nonchalant to play such games.

Curiousity kills the cat. Have you killed yourself yet? If you haven't, then hear me say. First, let me tell you a story I heard years back when I haven't even dated before. The story goes.... the couple is happy and not married. They have been together for pretty long. So one day, the guy changed job and lo and behold, a female colleague stays near him. And so she suggested going to work together everyday. The gf was not very pleased to say the least. She wasn't comfortable with them meeting up every morning to go to work. And so she told her man so. The man, being a totally rational person, explained to her that she was really just a friend and they were really just going to work together for company and perhaps convenience. The gf, though knowing that they were just friends, just felt terribly upset.

What would you do ladies and gentlemen? Would you not meet up with the colleague in the morning because you care for your gf's feelings and what's the big deal about going to work alone? Or would you feel that being a rational person, I would carry on with it because there is completely nothing wrong with it. When I first heard this story, the first thought which came to my mind was "WHA I will confirm not be with this guy. Cannot even give in to the gf this tiny bit". And Christian's POV is "I will not be with the girl because my friends as just as important and I know there is nothing going on at all". So that is where the crack lies.

Christian is an awesome person. I will be the first to admit. Anyone who knows him will agree readily. But he has his own way of thinking and living his life which is not suited to being in a stable relationship. Not that it is bad or anything. In fact, I think it is bliss. But well, not that great for me I guess. I can't begin to explain to you how Christian thinks. For him, work, friends, relationships and fun are all part of life and living. That is true for everyone but the difference is, he places all of them in equal importance. He doesn't bother to rank them or to prioritise them. When one comes up, he will enjoy his time with that activity. That's how he perceives life to be at the moment. And work for him is of vital importance. He has his goal which he wants to achieve in this lifetime. And he doesn't wish for anything else to disturb that goal.

I am fine with the work thing coz I believe that we are young and young spirits should fly high and far. But to put relationships on equal footing with friendships is abit harsh for me. And I say that this is for me only. I am sure you can find heaps of people who disagree with me. Don't be mistaken. I have good friends back him in Spore whom I would die for and whom I love so very much. But the one special person is special to me precisely becoz he is. A relationship is a person to person thing. Not a person to many people thing. Which makes it precious and hard to find (at least to me).

Christian has never been in a relationship for more than a week because of his attitude towards life. I am his first "serious" gf. He is nowhere near a player or a jerk. The relationships he had have just been of the nature which can be easily broken. With no tears lost or no hearts broken. Always easy. So with me, it has been hard coz it is new and never experienced. When something happened to cause us to sit down and think about our differences few weeks back, it was a make or break moment. We had it coming.

--------------------------
Christian just sent me an sms at 2.11am. I shall invade his privacy and post it up.

I like to say your name. I like how round your voice sounds (don't ask me). I like telling you things you don't case (sic) about. I like how you can tell me anything and I will believe you. I like seeing you wear big jackets. I like feeling big when I stand next to you. I like picking you up and putting you somewhere. Janice.

And this, everyone, is my bf.
---------------------------

We discovered that we have irreconcilable differences with regards to our views on relationships. I am glad we discovered it one year later, not 6. I am a realistic idealist. I know what the reality is but I choose not to follow it. I choose to believe that love is all you need (with a little money and a whole load of faith). I am willing to give up anything for the one I think is worth it. This is why I take my time in finding love. Taking my time doesn't mean making the right choices. It just means I rejected others and got rejected in the process.

I have been cheated of my emotions a couple of times in my life. Not many but enough to burn a permanent hole. But similarly, I have been told that I have the ability to make people around me forget their worries and be happy, just by being me. And this is my gift. To love unselfishly. If I have to choose, I would choose the latter anytime. What's a little heartache compared to the other sufferings in life? Don't be mistaken again. I am not good. I am not self-sacrificial. I have my share of evilness which I try to get rid of every minute of my life.

Christian has love, but his love is for life and living. He sees life as one great adventure. How I wish he knew how much I admire him for this. He is the best example of someone not religious (meaning living life in certain ways) and yet happy most of the time. He has very good control of his emotions and he never gets angry or upset. He has mastered detachment without effort. Something I have been striving to achieve most of my life. But it has been hard. I am high strung and emotional. I am passionate and am not afraid to show it. I have love and can't wait to give it. I am just too controlled by my emotions to have a peace of mind and heart most of the time. It is a love-hate relationship. I love it coz it makes me alive and I hate it because I don't have control over how I feel and act.

So we decided to continue this relationship of ours despite our differences. The problem is not resolved but we know that it exists and that, is half the battle won. We knew that if we continued, compromises have to be made. He will have to sacrifice more of himself and I will have to let go more. Both are daunting tasks but we must have faith. I am unsure of it myself but I know that if and when the day comes when we both have to let go, it will be a good one. We truly enjoyed each other's company for the past year and more to come.

To my good friends back in spore, stand by me. I have found none as good as you guz have been to me. I treasure you guz so much. Especially when I know Christian has all the support he needs and mine is thousands of miles away. Loneliness is but a word which cuts through the heart. I have found love so pure and simple but tainted with the very sword I carry with me all the time. I shall reflect upon myself and with Christian I put my faith in.